my white flag.

so i’m bored today. [nothing new]. and i’m starting to realize that this year has started just like the last one did: horrible. so i decided to list the things wrong with my life right now [in no particular order]:

1. i live my mom.
2. my art is lacking inspiration.
3. i haven’t chilled with any of my buddies since… October? wow.
3a. i haven’t chilled with anyone my age since then either.
4. i have $0
5. i have canvas board and no paint.
6. my love life is non-existent. so is my social life.
7.the purpose of life has escaped my understanding for the time being.
8. my dreams have out grown my budget.
9. what i thought was faith, i now see as slavery.
10. ignorance is bliss and i know too much to be truly happy ever again.

i’ll stop before i bore you [sarcasm]. and after reviewing the list [and all the things i left off of it] i have come to the realization that the only place to go from the bottom is NOT up. the fact of the matter is, you have three possible outcomes:

1. rent a room at Rock-bottom Hotel
2. pack up and climb out.
3. life drives u even further into the hard, rocky surface of the Earth’s core and into the molten iron of a living hell.

[kinda morbid huh? yeah thats the point].

i hate life and its purpose is starting to confuse me. what are we here for? to suffer, live, and eventually die [in no particular order]. tell me what i’m staying alive for? to see tomorrow? i know what tomorrow brings: one step closer to the end. so why not just skip the drama, and go straight to finish line? why deal with the pain and suffering and disappointment? why do i have this drive to improve my condition? why can’t i just turn it off and lay down to die? why can’t i give up!!!?

life sucks. and blows. simultaneously. that defies the laws of physics. when will the rules bend in my favor?

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~ by jon.C on 1 February 2008.

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