not in love anymore.
I’m not in love anymore. i cant be. she does not love me. i must move on. so far, I’ve proven to be a lapdog. she calls i come running. she says jump i say how high. she says roll over i ask which way. i cant do it anymore. its clear we’re not going to happen; that ‘we’ is not ‘we’ at all. was it fun? the whole deal? no. it was not. has it made me who i am? i refuse to give it credit for my identity. i have for so long defined myself by my feelings for others. does she matter? not as much as she used to.
i cant be in love anymore. its not good for me. it has become a poison that sucks the happiness from the center of my heart. it is no longer healthy; no longer love. it is now pain, suffering, and anguish. i lay paralyzed by her beauty and dumbstruck by her grace. but i cant have her. she belongs to another. the one she’s with? maybe not even him. but her heart is no longer mine. it never will be again. get over it. move on. don’t look back. just close your eyes, buckle down, grit your teeth and push forward.
to love again like this is not possible. it would kill the remaining happiness i use to hide my sorrow from the world.